Who am I? Bonhoeffer & the Lord's Prayer: A Reflection

July 12, 2023

What has God been teaching me in this six month break?

The first thing I've been reminded of is this: vocation has nothing to do with my value


A good few years ago, when I was a newly ordained priest, I happened to be at the diocesan office for a meeting with the Bishop. It was there that I had a realisation: “Is this it?


In the moment I asked myself that question, God revealed something to me. Namely that I had subconsciously started to lean on my vocation for my identity. I was not doubting that God has called me to me ordained ministry. He’d made that crystal clear: out of the blue (and way outside my desires), God had called me. It had taken years to get there, but on that particular day in the diocesan office I realised that this vocation was finally manifest. And not only was that the case, but I had loaded onto it my sense of who I was and my value. Something it was never designed to bear.


Yet how often we try to do just that very thing! It seems to me that Genesis 3 is clear that this kind of mistake is part of the human post-Eden condition. Consider the three ways in which sin’s entrance into the world disrupts and disorders our lives. It disfigures:


  • Our relationship with the created world (“I will put enmity between you [the serpent] and the woman” in 3:15 and “cursed is the ground because of you [Adam]” in 3:17)
  • Our relationship with others (God says to the woman: “I will make your pangs in childbirth exceedingly great… your desire shall be for your husband yet he shall rule over you” in 3:16)
  • Our relationship with work and productivity (God says to the man: “In toil you shall eat of it all the days of your life; thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you… by the sweat of your face you shall eat bread” in 3:17-19)


It is part and parcel of the brokenness of the whole cosmos that our relationship with work is out-of-whack. It is hard, it is painful, it goes wrong and we often use it—like Adam & Eve used fig leaves—to cover our vulnerabilities, our nakedness and our shame. We can make it our identity, that which makes us confident and secure and gives us a sense of power and prestige. "I am a successful doctor/engineer/nurse/priest/lawyer. If this is who I am, then I must be okay!"


Gratefully I’ve come a long way since my ordination. But I’ll confess, stepping out of work for 6 months isn’t the straightforward breeze I fantasized it might be (though I am very grateful for the break). I didn’t magically become a kid again enjoying the boredom and freedom of summer break, free of responsibility or burden. There are bills to be paid, cooking, cleaning, dogs to be walked, and problems to be solved (specifically injured dogs, bust hard drives and expensive car repairs...). But more than that, stepping out of the employment stratosphere has brought up some questions.


Who am I when I’m not “producing”? Contributing or actively giving back to society? When I’m not preaching or pastoring or planning a worship service?


Who am I when the busyness is dialed back and I start seeing why I like to keep so busy in the first place?


***


Learning from those who came before: the wisdom of Bonhoeffer


Dietrich Bonhoeffer was a Lutheran pastor and theologian during the Second World War. He spent the last two years of his life (aged 37-39) in prison. He wrote many letters and reflections and he built some relationships in prison and offered some pastoral advice and care. But it was not an easy time, not least because of the inevitability that he would not get out of prison alive. Bonhoeffer wrote a poem, Who am I?, that explores how he was outwardly perceived by his prison-mates versus the fears he felt on the inside. Which one tells him of his identity?


Am I really then what others say of me?
Or am I only what I know of myself?


Bonhoeffer tells of how he was positively seen by others as confident, faithful and contented. “I come out of my cell… Like a lord from his palace.” Those outside tell him he has value. He is doing well. He is a positive example.  Yet Bonhoeffer’s insides tell a different story. “Tired and empty at praying, at thinking, at doing, Drained and ready to say goodbye to it all.” His insides tell a story of a fearful, exhausted man ready for it all to be over.


Am I one person today and another tomorrow?
Am I both at once? In front of others, a hypocrite,
And to myself a contemptible, fretting weakling?
Or is something still in me like a battered army,
running in disorder from a victory already achieved?
Who am I? These lonely questions mock me.
Whoever I am, You know me, I am yours, O God.


The poem concludes with the reassurance that whatever Bonhoeffer is – whoever he is – he is God’s. Nothing else will get him an answer that satisfies. The external world of affirmation and esteem from others. The internal world of our insecurities and fears. Only in God, only in knowing we belong to God, will we begin to find an answer that gives any real satisfaction.


***


Breaking the cycle with the Lord’s Prayer


In my experience, learning this lesson – that I am God’s – takes active and applied effort over the whole course of one's life. I need practices that help me cultivate habits of trust and cast aside old habits of fear. There are a few seasons of my life it has flowed easily, but many it has not. And whatever the cause, here’s one way I have found that to pray and actively shift my focus to finding my identity in God:


Give us today our daily bread

Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.


How do these two petitions from the Lord's Prayer help me with my identity? Good question!


There’s a great saying from the recovery community: “Stop going to a hardware store to buy milk!” Stop trying to meet your needs in the wrong places and then wonder why you're so dissatisfied. Trying again won’t make success any more likely. The two lines above from the Lord’s Prayer offer a way to step out of the hardware store and a way to find spiritual milk where such milk can only be found.


In our sinful human nature, we do the following. We have needs and we try to meet these needs in all kinds of ways that will never work or bring lasting peace and contentment. Maybe I use my profession to get my value and self-worth, but that will only last for a while (or I’ll end up sacrificing myself on the altar of success). Perhaps you find your value in the strength of your relationship with your spouse or your children. It meets your need to matter or be seen or heard or understood. But when we misplace or get out of order the things God has created (i.e. work, family, relationship etc) we end up in idolatry, hurting ourselves and others. We’ll react to others negatively when they become unable to meet the needs we’ve somehow expected them to satisfy. We might feel hurt, resentful, unappreciated, even angry. And more to the point, we completely forget to factor God into the equation. The God of all creation, who has conquered sin and death, who is almighty, all-loving and all-powerful—that same God!—slips down our priority list and out of sight.


But with the Lord’s Prayer, I am given words to pray that help a divine reordering take place. I am God's so I trust my needs to Him. I am God's so I let go of the patterns of expectation and resentment that seek other things or people to satisfy me. It gives me a way through which I can step out of my chaotic and idolatrous thinking:


Give us today our daily bread becomes a petition and a reminder that God is the One who meets my needs both practical and spiritual. Where I can name my needs before Him and trust He will provide: Lord, I am worried about paying my bills this month. Show me how to trust that you will provide and see me through this tough time. Lord, I fear I don’t matter. Help me know my value is in you. Lord, I ache with loneliness and feeling unloved. Meet that deep need and show me I am never alone. Give me to today my daily bread.


Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us becomes a way for me to step out of the cycle and shame and blame that I’ve participated in: God, I let go of resentments where people haven’t provided what I’d expected them to provide: God, forgive me where I have wronged others and made demands from them that they could never meet. Forgive me where I have taken things you have given me and trusted in them rather than you. Forgive me my sins as I forgive those who sin against me.


My identity is to be in God, not in others' view of me or my own fears about myself. So I trust my needs to Him. I put off old ways that put my identity in other places.


***

In Conclusion...


In this six month season of rest and preparation, I am reminded of this: I am God’s. I belong to God.


The reason I confuse my identity at times is because I am trusting in something other than God to satisfy, to meet my needs. It might be for me vocation or work, but it could be anything - you can fill in your own equivalent. In praying the Lord’s Prayer, in actively believing Bonhoeffer’s words “Whoever I am, You know me, I am yours, O God,” I ground myself in God, I renew my trust in Him and – happily – am freed to do the things God is calling me to do without burdening them with things they were never made to bear.


God, I am willing to surrender my fears

and to place my will and my life

in Your care one day at a time.

Grant me the wisdom to know the difference

between the things I can and cannot change.

Help me to remember that I can ask for help.

I am not alone.

Amen.


By Suse McBay March 17, 2026
Are you 100% sure about that? Last December, Stephen and I headed for Prague for a few days. We were looking forward to Christmas markets, mulled wine, and shopping. Because we had booked a really early flight, we decided to stay in an airport hotel the night before. We hadn’t banked on one thing though: how to get from the bus station at Heathrow to the hotel. We could see our destination towering ahead of us as we exited the coach, but there was no reliable way to get there on foot. Much like Houston, navigating the surface roads of Heathrow is much easier for those in a car. So, we asked for directions from one of the airport staff. She pointed us over to two elevators, sat right next to each other. One had a line of at least twenty people. The other one had none. Those at the front of the queue hadn’t even pressed the button. That seemed strange and indicated that perhaps the people in line didn’t know what they were doing—or weren’t used to London airports. But why was one line so long and the other non-existent? The signs above weren’t exactly clear, but here were two lifts side-by-side, surely they went to the same place? Towards the back of the line was a middle-aged man, surrounded by luggage and family, who realised what we were trying to puzzle out. “Nah, you can’t use it. The other lift doesn’t go down. Doesn’t go to the same place,” he told us. We looked at him quizzically. “Are you sure?” we asked. “ One hundred percent , mate. One hundred percent.” The certainty with which he declared his answer was persuasive. He crowed like he was the CEO of the airport. That lift would not go where the other one was going. He repeated himself again. 100%. Only, he was wrong. We risked looking like fools. We walked to the vacant elevator, hit the button, and—lo and behold!—an elevator appeared that went to the exact same location as the other. The middle-aged man surrounded by luggage was 100%... in the wrong. Utterly and completely. *** Words, words, words, but no wisdom I don’t personally know the man who so-confidently revealed his wrongness. I’ve no idea whether his bluster was out of character from his usual self. But in the moment of our encounter, he acted every bit the ‘fool’ we find in Book of Proverbs: "A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing personal opinion." (Proverbs 18:2) There is much wisdom in Proverbs 17:28: Even fools who keep silent are considered wise; when they close their lips, they are deemed intelligent. It seems to me that we live in a world saturated with words, whether written or spoken. There’s an ever-growing number of websites, social media platforms, podcasts, and so on. Even more so now with AI. Yet for all this verbal abundance, there does not seem to be any more wisdom than there used to be. I would argue with AI, there seems to be less (or perhaps it’s simply exposing our foolishness). Part of me wonders about the virtue of writing a blog, when these are so often half-thoughts, explorations, and ideas: am I just adding to the plethora of opinions that exist on the blogosphere? Last year, I was teaching on how to plan and lead funerals with our final year ordinands. I spoke with confidence about what works and what doesn’t. What the role of the cleric is, how to work with the grieving family, how to craft the sermon, what to do afterwards etc. It felt good to be able to give real, lived experience having worked in a church for a decade. But it was only during the Q&A when I realized something. I realized my confidence was borne of a very specific context: I ministered in a large, Episcopal church in Houston, Texas. Not a small parish church, somewhere remote in England. Did the wisdom and experience I bring still have value in the Church of England, where the Church is an established one? Where those who minister do among many people who don’t dare to cross the threshold of a religious building except in such moments of life and death? Now I happen to think it does; but only with some qualification. For what I realized in that moment is that it’s not quite as readily transferable as I’d assumed. Church cultures are different. Expectations are different. How people respond and react to their local vicar is different! What works in one scenario doesn’t necessarily work in another. Consider Proverbs 26:4-5: 4 Do not answer fools according to their folly, or you will be a fool yourself. 5 Answer fools according to their folly, or they will be wise in their own eyes. Proverbs 26 has a seeming contradiction that speaks to the importance of context. In the situation where you’re faced with someone spouting foolishness, what should you do? Speak or not speak? Engage or not engage? The modern equivalent to v.4 might be to say to yourself “not my monkeys, not my circus” and walk away. But what about the times when it is your circus? When they are your monkeys? What about when to walk away is to leave someone blind to their mistakes and doomed to make more? What if responding might feasibly help someone see beyond their own blinkers and make a different choice? Sometimes v.4 might be the path of wisdom. Other times it’s v.5. But it’s not always apparent which is which. Overconfidence is not just dangerous for making us look like fools or giving bad advice. If we stay in our certitude, we miss the heart of the issue revealed in these two verses: we need wisdom. So where do we find it? *** Does ‘wisdom come with age’? I’ve heard it said that ‘wisdom comes with age’. Ironically enough, this line was used when I was in something of a disagreement with someone much older than me. But claiming moral high ground or superior understanding on the basis of some unalterable characteristic that you have but I don’t, is more indicative of pride than wisdom. If age does come with wisdom, there would be no conflict or disagreement within the human species as we age. If age is the sole arbiter, we should collectively do better as the wrinkles and grey hairs multiply. Yet that’s not what happens. Wisdom, sadly, is not inevitable. It can come with age because of one very simple reality: the more time you’ve had on the planet means you’ve had more opportunity to become wise. Now whether or not you’ve taken those opportunities is quite a different thing! *** Wisdom: a gift that needs seeking Proverbs has an interestingly balanced view of wisdom. It is (1) something that requires active seeking, yet also (2) something which only God can give. Proverbs 2:1-4 talks about the need to exert effort in acquisition of wisdom. It’s not something that just lands on our laps: it asks you to be open to learning and sitting with what you receive (v.1), deliberate and intentional in putting your body in a space to grow in it (v.2), and vocal in your search for it (v.3). In other words: humble, open, and hungry. This passage concludes by likening it to searching for silver or hidden treasure (v.4). Think about that for a moment: do you search for wisdom in the same way you seek out growth in income or asset? From a human wisdom point of view, seeking financial gain for our security and future as we age (and our children grow and go off to college etc) makes good sense. But what if we were to seek wisdom with the very same fervour? What if wisdom had the same significance for our spiritual security and future? What if it is important to our growth in the Christian life and readiness for what may come our way? It’s a gift that needs seeking. But Proverbs tells us it is also a gift that is given. Verse 6 reveals “ the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding .” Our seeking is not the whole picture. Longing for wisdom does not mean we get it. Wisdom is God’s domain not ours. Proverbs 8 illustrates that God’s Wisdom is not something to acquire or harvest. It is not a commodity to be doled out. It is not a consumer good. Wisdom was present when God made the world. Wisdom is a part of God’s self that chooses when to be imparted and when not to be (compare 1:28; 8:17; 9:5, 16) The very fabric of our material world is infused with the mystery of Wisdom. Insight and understanding comes from God and helps us to navigate the complexity of our lives, but this gift is just a glimpse of a much greater reality of the divine Wisdom which exists eternally. This, perhaps, brings us back to where I started. True wisdom is never found in loud proclamations of “one hundred percent!”. Why? Because the one who is wise recognises they have a lot to learn. They know that new information can shift and reframe yesterday’s certainty. Maybe the first step is to stop claiming absolute certainty—to stop the all-or-nothing thinking. Maybe we start with recognising what Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians 13: we only see in part, know in part, understand in part. And from there, we begin actively seeking that gift which only God—from His Wisdom—can give. Wisdom has built her house, she has hewn her seven pillars. 2 She has slaughtered her animals, she has mixed her wine, she has also set her table. 3 She has sent out her servant-girls, she calls from the highest places in the town, 4 "You that are simple, turn in here!" To those without sense she says, 5 "Come, eat of my bread and drink of the wine I have mixed. 6 Lay aside immaturity, and live, and walk in the way of insight." Proverbs 9:1-6 ****** Photo © Copyright Derek Harper and licensed for reuse under a cc-by-sa/2.0 Creative Commons Licence.
By Suse McBay February 13, 2026
What do we do on days when God seems entirely absent? Some thoughts about where I see that in my life today and, looking back, recognising how much has changed.

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